It's a strange one.
I have just realised something.
I am seriously unwell!
Why did it take so long for this realisation to hit me? I have been acutely ill for nearly three years now, and yet I have only just grasped it fully. Maybe because I've been too scared. Maybe because I've been too busy surviving. Or maybe because I've been stuck in full-blown, head-in-the-sand denial.
In fact, I think it is because I am programmed to adapt and deal with all that life throws at me. In the beginning my friends and doctors marvelled at how 'matter-of-fact' I was about it all... (except the ones who were subject to my occasional massive, teary, snottery outbursts of despair). But you can get stuck in this mode and fail to see the gravity of the situation. I am very shortly going to be retiring from working life at the age of 32. I am struggling to maintain normal life on any level. EVERYTHING is hard. It's like wading through a bog with a terrible hangover (but still a bit drunk) whilst having the flu after running a marathon wearing a diving bell. With jetlag.
In the beginning it's all about adapting, adjusting, problem solving, sorting things out. Information gathering. The useful stuff. But what about when that stage is finished and you've settled into your new life?
I thought I had this sussed. Turns out we're gonna need a bigger boat.
You're words are so true. I think we get stuck in survival mode no spare energy to think how bad things are, one foot in front of the other one day at a time, thats all we've got. My Dr summed it up well recently, 'you're bodies so used to being in siege mode, something happens that would floor a healthy person (in my case pancreas packing up) it just thinks oh well something else to contend with best get on with it. Sending hugs you're way from my very leaky boat.
ReplyDeleteClare xx