I have come to my parent's seaside house to getaway for a while as my soul is poorly. I am so stressed and in need of a break- I need to hide under a rock, or wrap myself up and spend a few days sitting on the beach and staring out at the ocean.
You would think that resting all the time at home would be relaxing, wouldn't you? But being ill all the time is very stressful. I am being forced by this illness into making all sorts of major (and in some cases permanent) decisions about my life... decisions which are forcing me to think about prognosis and speak to my doctors more than usual.
Decisions are very hard for me, it doesn't matter how big or how small the decision is, it tortures me. It's worse if there are only two options... And worse again with no certainty to help you do the right thing. When I'm here by the sea I don't need to make decisions. I don't need to do anything at all, except just be.
We have a morning system here- I text my dad (once I hear him up and about) a coded message which means 'please bring me a cup of tea and some toast'. Its not long before I hear the kettle boiling. At home I wake at 6am, here if I wake at that time I usually fall back asleep until a more reasonable time.
No one asks anything of me, any decisions that need to be made can be bounced off of my mum and dad immediately. I don't need to answer the door or speak to anyone or struggle to make lunch. Everything about me is accepted and accommodated. Just like at home with D, but here the outside world doesn't interfere.
My soul can rest. The stress is still there, but I can let the sea air nourish and heal me, and build me up for the next round of battle.
So if you need me I'll be over there, gazing at the sea, emptying my mind of thoughts and worries. You probably won't want to disturb me....